i suck at everything lol

and things that i try hard at, as soon as i feel that im not good enough, or the best at it, i start the process of not caring about that thing so when i inevitably fail, it doesnt hurt because i dont care

ie. i used to be awesome at basketball, and i worked really hard at it, even when our worst coast used to bench me a lot. but then i hurt my wrist and couldnt get back into it, and became really apathetic about it. i stopped caring about basketball at all. in hindsight, i easily could have gotten back into basketball, but i had forced myself to stop caring.

and thats what i do about a lot of stuff. i try not to like hobbies too much just in case. i dont put my heart into things in case it doesnt meet my expectations and then whine that im not good enough. i dont even mean to do this it just happens. i wish i could put my heart into things and not be afraid to cry but i am. im afraid. so instead im this lame ass apathetic fuck. :/

im like an awful mix of oikawa & tsukki